“We better look for a new bijness or we’ll go bankrupt”, Chhoti Elaichi, the don of Dadar told his Chamcha-in-Chief Munakka.
“But Bhai, what is wrong with our bijnus of kidnapping and extortion.”
“Can’t you see idiot there is too much of competition? Every Neta worth his scam has got into this profession. And Netas are far more experienced, well equipped and better connected. They even have the support of the administration and the police.”
“Then, what kind of bijnus do you have in mind?”
“I was thinking of starting a new channel?”
“But bhai, you have absolutely no experience.”
“Does Pahlaj Naani know the C of censorship? Yet he has been going around with a pair of scissors snipping at everything in sight.” Munakka nodded.
“Anyways, I have decided to appoint a consultant?”
“He is an expert in the field of media.”
(Just then there was a knock on the door and Tarun Tejpal entered.)
“Elaichiji, quickly tell me what do you want to consult me about. I have to rush for a sting operation.”
Elaichi gave him the lowdown. Tejpal fidgeted in thought for some time and then declared, “I have got an idea which will create the ultimate tehelka. We should start a rape channel?”
“What! Are you crazy?” Elaichi almost shouted.
“Let me explain. We have channels on every aspect of life – news, sports, films, music, nature, history et al. But we don’t have a channel devoted to a phenomenon which is omnipresent. Not a single hour of a single day passes when someone, somewhere is either raping or getting raped. In buses and trains, in taxis and autos, in homes and in schools, in board rooms and theaters, everywhere this act is happening.”
“But what will we show?”
“We will have news related to rapes from around the world. However, since rape is a cottage industry in India, most of the inputs will be domestic.”
Elaichi nodded appreciatively.
“We will have panel discussions on prime time where we will invite a rape victim, a psychologist, an activist, a member of National Women’s Commission and an erstwhile rapist.”
“We will have a program titled Movie Magic where we will show clippings from rape scenes from films in all Indian languages and foreign ones wherever possible. We will also carry an interview with film stars who have specialized in rape scenes.”
“This sounds interesting.”
“We will include a Quiz by one of the most popular quiz masters of all times– Sha Rukh Khan. He will ask erudite and sensitive questions like – ‘What was the colour of the dress Nirbhaya was wearing? ‘When is the b’day of the juvenile who raped her?’ ‘Which is the first instance of molestation since the dawn of civilisation’?”
“Was it when Genghiz Khan invaded Asia.”
“You are centuries off the mark. The first molestation was of Draupadi!”
“Of course, how could I forget? I watched that particular episode 13 times! Will we have any other sections?”
“There will be a special competition on selfies with rape victims. The person who takes the best selfie will get to feature on one of our shows.”
“I think this is a unique idea. Tejpal you are a genius.”
Tejpal ignored the compliment and continued, “We will get experts from different sections of the society who will tell our sisters and mothers and daughters and grand-daughters and toddlers and babies how to avoid getting raped. The experts will be representatives of the Khap Panchayat, reformed rapists, Godmen etc. They will mention such original things like Girls/women/toddlers and babies should not wear revealing clothes which can incite passion in the would be rapist. They should set out of the house only with their fathers and brothers. And if by chance they are raped they should follow the words of Confucious, ‘When rape is inevitable lie back and enjoy it’.”
“I have also thought of a programme devoted to Rape tourism. Our team will visit all the places which have become famous because of rape. For instance it will cover almost every lane of Delhi, the beaches of Goa, the railway stations of Chennai and the villages of Haryana.”
“Wah! You are fantastic, Tejpal! Will you agree to be the Managing Editor of my channel.”
“Of course! You can’t find anyone better than me – I have both the expertise as well as experience in writing about as well as indulging in this oldest ‘sport’.”
“That’s true. What shall we call the channel?”
“Rape Unlimited – 24×7.”
(This article was earlier published on My Faking News here)