Sallu Khan, the Bhai of Bollywood was sitting in the living room of his house. There was a huge portrait of Arnab Go Sammy on the opposite wall and Sallu was throwing darts at it.
Just then Thoda Bada Shakeel or TBS, who was once the ‘left toe’ of Barood Ibrahim and now the uncrowned don of Borivali, Kandivali and Bandragali, entered.
He stood for some time watching in fascination Bhai’s calisthenics and then spoke, almost in awe, “Bhai, kya sollid aim hai! If there was a dart throwing event at Rio Olympics you would have bagged the gold.”
Bhai flashed his dopey smile. “I know, and I would be the first goodwill ambassador to have bagged an Olympic gold.”
“But Bhai, why are you aiming darts at this Maamu?”
“This fellow represents the media which has made my life a mess.”
“What happened bhai?”
“The media led by this guy has been tarnishing my image, ruining my reputation and causing great distress to my family, friends and fans.”
“It all started in 2002 when I ran over five people sleeping on the footpath, one of whom died. What I did was an act of kindness. I was trying to end the agony of these wretched folks. In fact it was a kind of euthanasia.”
“What is this Euthan…Asia? Is it some kind of the Asian version of the European Union?”
“No Dhakkan, it means mercy killing.”
TBS nodded not quite sure of the meaning but impressed by Bhai’s vocabulary.
“In 2006 I hunted a black buck which is an endangered species. Here again my motive was entirely pure. I was merely aiming to draw the attention of the authorities, the media and the public to the immense danger being posed to the black buck. And I did succeed to a large extent. After I killed a specimen or two of the soon-to-be-extinct species, the Indian gazelle became a theme of mainstream conversation. Seminars were held, debates were conducted and even school students started doing projects and writing essays on Chinkara. A nationwide campaign was launched to save the black buck – all because of me. Even for this altruistic task I was given no credit. Rather I was hounded by the likes of Go Sammy.”
“That is very unfair, Bhai.”
“Now the latest controversy is about the remark I made related to a rape victim. All I said was, ‘When I used to walk out of the ring, after the shoot, I used to feel like a raped woman. I couldn’t walk straight’. Now tell me TBS what is wrong with this remark? Doesn’t it show a deep empathy for a rape victim?”
“Yes Bhai, it does.”
“And you know TBS, I have always had a deep respect for women. Most of the dialogues in my movies and especially the songs show my reverence for women. For instance the songs Munni badnam hui, Chipkale sayyan fevicol se, Character dheela hai – all depict women with such veneration.”
“Bhai what about the Ash Suvaria episode?”
“There again my intentions were entirely noble. I was only teaching her the art and science of self defence. And she entirely misunderstood and complained to the media.”
“Bhai, you really are such a misunderstood person.”
“No doubt. You know I even started an NGO for the underprivileged called ‘Being Human’. I was quite sure I would be nominated for the Nobel Prize. Instead all I am facing is flak from all quarters. And all this because hacks like Go Sammy focus only on the controversies.”
“Bhai, if he is troubling you so much, just give me the green signal. I’ll give an Elaichi to one of my contacts and he’ll do the rest.”
“What is this Elaichi? You are making Biryani or what?”
“Earlier we used to offer Supari to a contract killer. But the Mumbai police has got wind of the jargon we use. So instead of Supari we offer Elaichi.”
“No, I am not interested in giving Supari, Elaichi or Dalchini. I’ll deal with Go Sammy and his clan in my own way. I’ll let my next film speak for me. You come tomorrow and I shall have the plot ready for you.”
The next day when TBS reached at the appointed hour he found Bhai still indulging in his dart practice.
“TBS, the storyline of the film is going to be completely different from my earlier films. It will be loosely inspired by Ghajini. I shall play the role of Sallu, the superstar and the villain will be played by a character modelled on Go Sammy. When Sallu reaches the pinnacle of success Go Sammy invites him to his show ‘Frankly Freaking’. There he asks Sallu so many weird questions that the superstar loses his cool and creams Go Sammy. In the process Sallu too suffers a fall and begins to suffer from Short Term Memory Loss or STML. Now he can only remember tweets since they have a maximum of 144 characters. Sallu’s entire life is trapped in the universe of tweets. It is then that the love of Sallu’s life comes to his rescue. She is a social media expert called Instagirl who sets a virtual army of trolls after Go Sammy. He is hounded on Twitter, FB, Youtube, Instagram, Whatsapp, et al. He can’t do a thing without someone, somewhere hounding him. Slowly and steadily this incredible strategy begins to have its impact. Go Sammy suffers a nervous breakdown and commits virtual suicide – the first hara-kiri in cyberspace. Slowly Sallu recovers and indulges in a honeymoon on Twitter with Instagirl.”
“Wah, Bhai! Kya idea hai! I am sure the movie will be super-duper hit.”
“And I am also confident the film will teach Go Sammy and his tribe a lesson they will never forget.”
“What will the movie be called.”
“I have thought of two titles – Hum aapke hain Troll OR Maine Tweet Kiya.”
“When are you planning to release the movie?”
“On Eid next year.”
So, dear reader, watch this space for the review of Sallu Khan’s most awaited blockbuster, since the nation wants to know!