After Hookups, Govt To Regulate Workouts And Parties

After deciding to regulate your hookups on matrimonial sites, the government is all set to roll out more such big bang reforms.

After deciding to regulate your hookups on matrimonial sites, the government is all set to roll out more such big bang reforms. A health ministry official said that rules were being drafted for gyms.

No more selfies in gym.

We have received many complaints that men hit the gym only because of that one attractive girl, and not to maintain their health. Women also are guilty of not really working out but simply taking selfies with exercise equipment. To combat this, government inspectors will take weekly progress reports on all gym patrons. Weight loss for women, and increasing bicep size and abs for men will be necessary to show that they are not violating the sanctity of the gym”, the official said.

Telecom and IT minister said his ministry would take strict action against those who uploaded too many gym pictures on Facebook. Gymnasium owners are worried that these steps will lead to a fall in membership.

The ministry for food processing is also planning regulations. Patrons at McDonalds, KFC, Burger King and other fast food establishments must go there only with the genuine intention of gaining weight and suffering from coronary heart disease. The government is considering a ban on salad and other unprocessed low fat food being served in fast food joints. “People who are dieting make others around them less willing to pile on the calories. Hence this ban is necessary”, a senior official said.

Not to be left out, the Ministry for Youth Affairs has its own plans. “Youth go to clubs to drink, dance and enjoy their night. But some people are depressed and just sit in a corner and drink. This dampens the party spirit. To protect the sanctity of nightclubs, we will require people to undergo a psychological evaluation to make sure they are not depressed, before they can enter. Also, soft drinks have to go. You need a real rum or whiskey to get into the party mood”, an official said on condition of anonymity.

However, not all proposed regulations were met with equal enthusiasm. One official proposed that roads should be used only for transport, and that street food should be banned. But the road transport and highways minister was ironically the most vocal opponent of that idea.

Although common citizens are understandably upset over these latest announcements, people in government apparently find it hilarious. When questioned on when he will bring in the promised big bang reforms, of deregulation and development, the Prime Minister replied in his inimitable style, “Pehle entertainment, baad mein development”.

The only politician who was not amused was a certain cricket commentator, due to a new rule proposed by the Information and Broadcasting Ministry. “Oye guru, what is this new rule? I must make sensible commentary during the cricket match?*”, he said irritably. This was probably the only time we saw him not laughing.

It would be interesting to see what major national issues the government tries to solve after these.

*On a serious note, how is that not a real rule?

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